Jillian's Wellness Team

Jo Ann McKarus

Jo Ann McKarus, M.A., M.F.T., is a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Santa Monica, California — and she also happens to be Jillian's mom. She holds a master's degree in marriage and family therapy and is currently pursuing a doctor of psychology degree in psychoanalysis. Certified in clinical hypnosis and psychoanalytic psychotherapy, she's been working to foster self-awareness and personal growth in adults and couples since 1991.

'Tis the Season

For those of you who wholeheartedly and authentically identify with the above famous Christmas carol lyrics, you are either blessed (good fortune), or to be congratulated (for having the courage to accomplish free will), or both. For as many of us know, the holidays can sometimes be a particularly painful time.

Sometimes the pain is due to distressing memories of seasons past, sometimes one is in the midst of miserable current circumstances, and sometimes the past and present blend together in an anxious or depressing mélange. While the roots of holiday ailments can be many, common culprits are painful and conflicted relationships, substance abuse, poverty/financial hardship, and the nastiest of all — loneliness. And when I refer to loneliness, I’m not just talking literally. There are times when going “home for the holidays” and being surrounded by family can leave one with the most lonely experience of all.

Now, I could launch into tales of the tragedies of human relational dynamics in an effort to explain why family holidays often deteriorate into dysfunctional debacles, but ‘tis definitely not the season for this. I write today not to analyze the lumbering elephant in the cheery holiday room, but to help you navigate and manage it. There are healthy and unhealthy ways of coping with holiday stresses and “blues.” So, in the spirit of the season, I’d like to offer some DO’S and DON’TS:

DON’T:

• Use substances such as food, alcohol, and drugs to anesthetize or soothe yourself. Note the words “anesthetize” and “soothe.” This doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a yummy piece of pie or a cozy glass of wine (assuming alcoholism isn’t an issue). Don’t be rigid, but using/abusing substances will leave you feeling much worse than before. Fight for health and integrity by utilizing the Do List.
  
• Fall into eating disorder behaviors, such as compulsive overeating or bingeing/purging. Those of you who struggle with eating disorders know the vicious cycles. Make sure you have delicious, healthy food in your home, and keep the junk out. As Jillian teaches, you can’t eat what you don’t have. You will feel so much better at the end of the day (or holiday).
  
• Isolate yourself. Fight the temptation to withdraw (unless, of course, you’re really looking forward to some quiet, down time). Even if you’re home alone on Christmas Day (or whatever holiday your culture celebrates), there are ways to connect with others. See the Do List.
  
• Give in to negative self-talk and beliefs. Resist the spiral into negative self-talk, such as telling yourself that you’re alone because you’re pathetic or not valuable (the two most common beliefs I hear from patients). There are many reasons why one might find oneself alone on a holiday. Some may be external, such as a recent move; some may be internal, such as issues of fear or self-esteem. But I absolutely, positively, guarantee you that not having value or being pathetic is not one of them. These beliefs are just that — beliefs, they are not facts! If you feel this way, it’s due to circumstances you’ve endured. Poor self-esteem is something to be explored, understood, worked on, and improved. You were not born bad or pathetic.
  
• Overspend! Easy to do when one is stressed, depressed, or feeling “peer-pressed.” So make a budget, and don’t deviate.

• Utilize support systems, be it friends, therapy (individual or group), or 12-step groups.
  
• Reach out to connect with others. The possibilities are truly countless. If you’re reading this blog, you have a computer. Use it to research volunteering opportunities, community and church/synagogue activities, or to join any one of untold online social networking sites (including this one!).
  
• Get creative. There are so many ways to give gifts without spending money you may not have. Make things, bake things, shop outlet sales and discount websites. If appropriate, a pet rescued from an animal shelter is a wonderful gift for the right person (maybe yourself!).
  
• Accomplish something. This is a healthy and underutilized feel-good tool when one is feeling down. For background, put on upbeat music, a great radio show, or cheerful television and work on a project. Don’t pick something daunting or dreaded. Instead, choose a doable task that you’ve been wanting to get around to — perhaps organizing your CDs or books, or even just cleaning out your makeup drawer. It’s amazing the mood-boost this can create.
  
• Utilize self-care. Whatever you find helps to de-stress you, use it or have it on hand — yoga, meditation, bubble baths, music, funny movies. Find ways of treating yourself. For instance, if you love to read, but money is tight, make a trip to your local library, check out several interesting reads, and head over to your local coffee house to peruse them. It’s just as good as a day at the bookstore, but without the expense.
  
• Exercise. This is, after all, Jillian’s website. I doubt I have to convince you of the tremendous and myriad benefits of healthy exercise.
  
• Remember to set boundaries. If you’re feeling a bit insecure about spending time with your biological family during the holidays, don’t forget to bring your boundaries! Perhaps your mother makes insensitive remarks about your weight, your Aunt Rose criticizes your job, your cousin still teases you about… well, you get the picture. For a quick brush-up on boundaries, you might want to read my blog from last December, Home for the Holidays.
  
• Re-read this blog.

I realize being proactive and choosing the healthy alternative is not always easy. That’s what I meant when, in the first paragraph of this blog, I referred to the courage it takes to accomplish free will. From my perspective, free will is not just a decision we make. It’s a process that takes hard work and effort and that we have to choose over and over again throughout our lives. And it’s certainly not always a painless process. But neither is the alternative. A life well-lived is not a life with no emotional pain — that’s called a fantasy. It’s a life where we choose the pain that leads to integrity, self-esteem, and meaning.

With heartfelt best wishes,

Jo Ann